Holiday-Inspired Tropical Cocktails

So Delicious You’ll Totally Forget Your Ass is Frozen

Winter in the PNW. It’s colder, wetter, and darker than any living organism was designed to endure. Even mushrooms have the good sense to die. But don’t cry yourself an atmospheric river! Instead, cosy up with the exotic, exciting flavors of an imaginary tropical utopia. Let their warm, intoxicating vibes drown out the persistent jingling of horrible carols, and turn mindless small talk with relatives into something bearable. Oh yes, “it’s the most woooooonderful time of the year” to get shitfaced. 

With all that in mind, we visited Tim Siebert, Citrus and Cane’s maestro of the Mai Tai, to gather up some cocktail recipes that should be crucial components of any holiday survival kit.

“Dairy-free Eggnog”

Deflating fact: Most store-bought eggnog doesn’t even have eggs in it. And now we’re taking out the dairy. It’s like meat-less hamburgers. Chicken-free nuggets. No-lactose cheese. What a strange obsession we have with taking the essence out of everything… Enjoy!

Ingredients:

• 375ml Appleton Estate Signature
• 375ml Cinzano Sweet Vermouth
• 300ml Sons of Vancouver Amaretto (If you can’t get SoV don’t sub in other amarettos– go for a Brandy, maybe Torres 5)
• 125ml Falernum
• 30ml Pimento Dram / Allspice liqueur
• 1.75L Silk Almond & Cashew Protein milk (no substitutes)

Method:

1. Add all ingredients to a large, sterile container (three litres plus)
2. Stir with gusto until ingredients blur together like all the memories of Christmases past 
3. If you have smaller bottles (or mason jars), divide and transfer the concoction to make serving easier
4. Refrigerate for at least 24 hrs before serving  
5. Garnish each serving with freshly grated nutmeg
6. Sip while wearing a hipster Christmas sweater and singing carols ironically

“Mango Estate”

(Yes, we’ll get to that. BUT FIRST…)

A Tiki Poem

Tiny vibrant umbrellas.

A cocktail served in a pineapple. 

Top-heavy with garnish.

(I should not have eaten

that plate of tater tots drowned in 

spiced ketchup and sweet orange goop.) 

I can still taste

that pineapple cocktail, with its 

unmistakable notes of

gasoline and bubblegum. 

In the morning there was a beautiful, bright 

agony, in the right eye socket 

of my skull. Am I

dying…? Yes, according to

the way my mouth feels.

Here is a recipe for 

a cocktail. Be thankful that it’s not

in a pineapple.

Ingredients: 

• 1oz Appleton Estate 8yr
• .5oz Lemon Hart Blackpool 
• .5oz Amaro di Angostura
• 1.5oz Mango nectar 
• .5oz Fresh Lime Juice
• .5oz Ginger syrup
• .5oz Rich & Raw syrup (2:1 raw sugar syrup)
• 2 Pipettes of Bittermens Tiki Bitters 

Method:

1. Add all ingredients to a shaker full of ice and…shake
2. “Dirty dump” the entire contents into a tall glass or tiki mug (“Dirty dump” is an accepted bartending term, so try to ignore its terrifying connotations)
3. Top with crushed ice
4. Garnish with a healthy sprig of mint, an orange wheel, and some extra bitters if you’re feeling “a little spicy”

“Lyre! There’s no rum in this!”

Do you like the idea of drinking alcohol, but lack the fortitude and/or penchant for masochism? Or maybe you’ve simply had a momentary lapse in judgment and gotten yourself knocked up? Well friend, look no further! In keeping with the modern imperative to suck the essence out of everything, we bring you: Alcohol-free alcohol. 

Lyre’s non-alcoholic spirits are expertly crafted and marketed to encourage ‘mindful drinking.’ This may be akin to ‘peaceful violence’, but regardless, they are definitely a welcome addition to every teetotaler’s liquor closet.

Ingredients:

• 1.5oz Lyre’s Dark Cane Spirit (available online)
• .75oz Fresh Lemon Juice 
• .5oz Fresh Orange Juice
• .5oz Passion Fruit Syrup
• .5oz Rich & Raw Syrup (2 parts raw sugar, 1 part water)
• 1 Pipette of Ms Betters Bitters Miraculous Foamer 

Method:

1. Add all ingredients to a shaker with ice
2. Google: “Reverse dry shake”
3. Reverse dry shake
4. Double strain over a king cube
5. Garnish with two boujee, overpriced cherries (we prefer Luxardo)
6. Guzzle while amusedly watching your friends and family devolve into slurring cave dwellers
7. Get sad and drive home